Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
yeah 😭
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Story of my life…..
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?