The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
¯_(ツ)_/¯