[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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what it’s like dating me:
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
it was a valiant fight
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”