Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
you gotta be faster
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
my fav colour is also hitler
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.