If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?