My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Lucky old June.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.