Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
you gotta be faster
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”