According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.