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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*