Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
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A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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a
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there