Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog