You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Somebody’s lying.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
new shirt idea
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what