“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Are you a cat person or a person person?
💁🏻♂️
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day