Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
You Might Also Like
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
kitchen magnet
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low