Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
How do you like your Corgi?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess