My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
me refusing to leave twitter
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂