All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My last name is Zilla.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.