Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win