ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.