Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”