I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
You Might Also Like
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.