I put the p in pants.
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My life in a nutshell
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Breaking news:
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.