Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.