My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You Might Also Like
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.