Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
what kind of cook setting is this??
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol