Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band