#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
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[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.