Lmao
You Might Also Like
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.