Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Fight
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no