me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito