Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
the answer was staring at me all along
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”