Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Nice try, NASA
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.