Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.