Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.