Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok