[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces