I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
This is me 🤣🤣
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette