Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!