The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
No Google it does not
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.