I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
subtitles are so good nowadays
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.