Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid