My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route