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And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book