Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate