I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti