If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
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I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.