Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school