society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
You Might Also Like
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID