[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.