Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.